Bittersweet Smile

My newfound smile is bittersweet….

The night is starry and the sky is dark

And all I can do is stare into the unknown….

I’ve never been one to get trapped by fairytales

Nor have I been one to get sucked into the notion of soul mates…..

I have come to completely ignore the goosebumps that I get whenever I see you

I swat at the butterflies that appear in my stomach whenever I hear your voice

I always ignore when you read my emotions and my voice like you’re reading from a book that you have written with your own hands

I can’t get sucked in

I won’t get sucked in

I can feel the air like a ghost across my skin

And if I close my eyes I can hear the insects and the animals that roam the night

But if I believed in my happy ending,

I would let myself see your face that always sticks out like a sore thumb behind my eyelids

On this starry night, looking at the dark sky

My smile is still bittersweet

Because I’m starting to wonder if you’re my season or my lifetime

I’m always praying for another night with you and bargaining with God about all the things I would do if my prayer is answered

But then I get my night….

And I find that I contradict myself every time when I pray for another night, another month, another year just to be with you

To be around you

To…..love you

And my smile is still bittersweet

Because whether or not I get that night, that month, or that year

I still consider myself to be blessed

I’m happy with what we have

And I’ll be happy even if I have to say one day that I was happy with what we once had

I love you

In our realities and in our dreams

In this lifetime and the next

I love you

Now and forever

In what I refuse to call “our fairytale”

-Nique