Pain

Pinks
by Nique

Purgatory…..

Nothingness….
A gaping hole ofemptiness…
That is what youleft me with….
All of the years
All of thelaughs
And that’s all Ihave to show for it…
I was just youroption
While yourchoice took her time to be what you needed
I was yoursecond best
While you waitedfor your first to realize you were even alive
It’s funnythough, isn’t it?
And a littleironic
That I wasalways everything you wanted
But still notquite enough
The worstfeeling in the world is loving someone who loves someone else
I now know thatpain…
I feel itstabbing at my heart with every breath I take
I wake up cryingbefore I even open my eyes in the mornings
And it hasn’tstopped before I lay my head down to rest at night
You continued to take what I offered becauseit soothed your wounds
Yet you threw itback in my face the moment she said, “I’m ready for you”
I’ve been ready
I’ve beenwaiting
Yet again, Iwasn’t enough to satisfy you
I’m heartbroken
And I’mdevastated…
I mourn for thepotential of what “we” could’ve been
I mourn for whatwe were
And I mourn forwho you are now
Because withher, you’re never happy
And because youdecided to settle for less
You’ll get lessthan you deserve
And so I’llsettle for this pain
I’ll work my waythrough it
And I’ll learnmy lesson
Because the dayyou realize your mistake
Will be one dayafter I realized mine
You….

My Love

Pinks

When he knows I’mhaving a bad day, he calls just to tell me he loves me
At night, when Ican’t sleep, he wakes up to talk to me until he hears my deep breathing
If I cry, he holds myhand and wipes my tears
And when I hold himin a tight embrace, he looks at me and tells me that he’s not going anywhere…
Love….
It’s the best feeling
Because not only do Ihear his words when he tells me
But I can feel hislove all around me
On any given day….
At any given time….
Counting the minuteson the clock before he’s set to come over
Feels like forever
There’s anelectricity that runs through me when I know he’s near
The hairs on my neckstand at attention and my heart begins to beat faster
I wonder if he feelsit too…
It gets stronger thecloser he is
And right before heopens my door
My whole body feelslike it’s on fire
And when our eyes meet,the intensity I see in his answers my question for me
Yes…
He feels it too
Before he utters aword, he takes me in his embrace as if I’m his lifeline
And kisses me likehis life depends on it…and all I can focus on…
All I can see is him
In the words of LeoBuscaglia,
“Love is Life. And if you miss love, you miss life”
This is the truest form of living
And he does this for me
He is my love
He gives me life…
-Nique

Here I will remain

Pinks
As the seconds turn to minutes 
and those minutes into hours…….
hours swifty form days of unimaginable pain because I am without you….
I lose track of the amount of tears that fall…..
but they begin to form puddles and as the time ticks 
and I am still away from you…
those puddles into a seas….. 
seas..that’s I use to only catch a reflection of you….
reflections into memories….
of you kissing me….me holding you….
doing the things that lovers do..
I try to stand but my knees shake…….
my legs buckle ..
but do not fall because I am still on this amazing high called cloud 9…..
the butterflies in my stomach lift me up….
so high the masses of the earth just become small shapes underneath me…
as I float away I reminded of how your kisses taste like heaven…
your scent Inhaled..leaves a intoxcating mist……
now iam drunk..high…faded on your love…
I can no longer see the ground….but I care not…
I am now just the place I wanted to be…
lost and surround by nothing but memories of u!
….if only YOU were here to join me…
so I wait..for those seconds….
those minutes…
hours and days….
till u come back to me…
so here I will remain

-Anonymous Author

Resistance

Pinks

There’s a war raging inside of you….
I just smile, sit back, and watch as it plays out
You’re fighting it…
You’re fighting us…
Most women would be offended by your struggle
I’m amused and captivated by it
I watch your hands twitch when I know you wanna touch me
But you feel like it may be too much too soon…
So I take the lead, so you find your comfort zone…
I listen to your stutter when I know you wanna be the first to tell me you love me
So I take the initiative and say it first, so you’ll feel like you’ve won
And at the moments when you’re most vulnerable,
My soul is at ease when you tell me how you feel
When you show me that your heart is mine
And your soul is inspired by me
Because I know what you’re trying your hardest to overlook…
That I’m your blessing..
You deserve me….
I’m your light at the end of the tunnel
And you’ll realize it when the time is right
That’s why I can sit back and smile and be amused by your antics
I’ve watched our love play out
I’ve watched you set standards,
Make plans,
Create rules to keep me at bay…
And I’ve also watched you throw away those same standards
Rule out those same plans
And break your own rules
All because you couldn’t deny what’s staring us both in the face
So keep fighting
Keep resisting
Because the look on your face when you realize I’m not going anywhere
No matter what comes our way is going to be priceless
And when you look at me…
Truly look at me with that note of realization
I’ll just smile bigger, wink at you and whisper in your ear
“I told you so”
-Nique

Get out of God’s Way!

Pinks

Do you ever feel like you know what direction you want to take in life, but for some reason everything never falls into place? Don’t fret because you’re not alone! Often times I feel like I know what I want out of life, and like most people I plan everything out accordingly. But it came to my attention recently that maybe that’s not my job. When we were created by God he already had a plan for each and every one of us. It is not our job to try and become the person that we think we should be. Our job is to simply get out of God’s way and let him work through us.

            Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. Psalm 119: 105 NIV
I had the pleasure of attending a women’s conference this past July, and one question that really spoke to me was: What happens when your plan for life conflicts with what God has planned for you? I started thinking about this because it never occurred to me that maybe I was hindering myself from progressing as a woman of God. I’ve been so busy trying to run my own life instead of walking with God.
Lead me in the right path, O Lord…Tell me clearly what to do, and show me which way to turn.  Psalm 5: 8 NLT
It’s funny, I’ve been trying so hard to do things my way for so long when all I need to do is be still and hear the Lord. We have to stop ourselves sometimes and remember who is truly in charge of the situation. Gone are the days when I thought I could make things happen on my own. God has kept me even when I did not know he was with me and the same is true for you! My advice is to follow God as he is trying to lead us down the right path. Yes, there will be distractions on the path trying to hold you back. Yes, there will be some people in your life that you will have to leave behind. But through everything, God will be right by your side and you will know you are not alone.
Jesus said, “What is the seed that fell on the good ground? That seed is like the person who hears the teaching and understands it.  That person grows and produces fruit.” Matthew 13: 23 NCV
I believe that we are seeds planted on earth by God and in order for us to grow we must follow him. We must listen to his word and focus on getting to know him better. This will then allow us to produce what we need in order to become a better individual. I just thank God for a better understanding and pray that he continues to work on me and in my life!
Remember to start your day with prayer for a better understanding of God’s intention for your life.

Familiar Love

Pinks
I smile…..
I laugh….
I hope……
I am filled with this undeniable and yet fierce feeling of familiarity
My head hasn’t caught up with it…
My heart is taking its’ precious time…
But my soul knows the ins and outs, the recesses and crevices and the corners of everything that defines you
It knows you better that I can even comprehend
And yet……
I just can’t figure out how that is…
How is it that I can love you so passionately, so deeply, so profoundly that I am even baffled at the degree of my feelings?
I yearn and I ache and I long and I fight
But there’s no use..
It’s beyond me…
I’m surprised at how much conviction I illustrate just by uttering the words “I Love You”
Before you, these words never held such a meaning
With you, they will never mean as much as they should
After you, they will lose their fire, their strength, their soul
I’ve never loved like this
Because of that, I will never love again….
-Nique

Bittersweet Smile

Pinks
My newfound smile is bittersweet….
The night is starry and the sky is dark
And all I can do is stare into the unknown….
I’ve never been one to get trapped by fairytales
Nor have I been one to get sucked into the notion of soul mates…..
I have come to completely ignore the goosebumps that I get whenever I see you
I swat at the butterflies that appear in my stomach whenever I hear your voice
I always ignore when you read my emotions and my voice like you’re reading from a book that you have written with your own hands
I can’t get sucked in
I won’t get sucked in
I can feel the air like a ghost across my skin
And if I close my eyes I can hear the insects and the animals that roam the night
But if I believed in my happy ending,
I would let myself see your face that always sticks out like a sore thumb behind my eyelids
On this starry night, looking at the dark sky
My smile is still bittersweet
Because I’m starting to wonder if you’re my season or my lifetime
I’m always praying for another night with you and bargaining with God about all the things I would do if my prayer is answered
But then I get my night….
And I find that I contradict myself every time when I pray for another night, another month, another year just to be with you
To be around you
To…..love you
And my smile is still bittersweet
Because whether or not I get that night, that month, or that year
I still consider myself to be blessed
I’m happy with what we have
And I’ll be happy even if I have to say one day that I was happy with what we once had
I love you
In our realities and in our dreams
In this lifetime and the next
I love you
Now and forever
In what I refuse to call “our fairytale”
-Nique

Purity

Pinks
I’m on a quest for purity
Feeling like I might loose my sanity
It’s so hard for me not to be me
I mean the real me
Must I change who I am
Everything I’ve ever known
This transformation feels like it’s too much to take on
Who I am and will always be
Defines me
I mean the real me
So, on my quest for purity
I’ll try to maintain my sanity
For I wouldn’t be me
If I didn’t carry on
Kaydee      

Moving On

Pinks

If I let myself remember the good times, I would surely crumble
If I allow myself to remember how good you could make me feel, you would find me at your feet
You’re not good for me….
I know that better than I know my own name…
So why does it still hurt when we argue?
Why do you still have this way of getting under my skin better than anyone else?
What have you done to me?
I was here when you weren’t
I tried when you didn’t
I sacrificed when you refused
And even now, all my efforts are spit back in my face
I used to be strong…..
But you took my soul
I used to be happy…….
But you took my smile
And now as I try to regain some semblance of a life, you refuse to let me have it
I’ve come to the conclusion that you enjoy my pain….
My suffering gives you joy…
So fuck you….
You destroyed my soul once, it won’t happen again
Our love didn’t last…deal with it
Come to terms with it, make peace with it, sleep with it….do whatever you need to do to understand that there will never be an “us” ever again
Because whether you like it or not,
There’s a life that still continues, regardless if “we” continue
I’m tired of feeling guilty
I didn’t know it was a crime to want to be happy
And time is ticking
Life is not going to stop for you
And there will come a day when I stop trying
I gave you half of my life
I gave you my tears and my heartache
I gave you everything….
When is it going to be your turn to give something?
Time’s almost up….
-Nique

Unrequited

Pinks
I’m done with the games
The lies and the miscommunication and the secrets that I’m not told
We were suppose to be different
We were suppose to be above the norm
But yet you still carry on behind my back as if I’m that naïve
I know about the texts
The calls that end with “I Love You Too”,
When I’m not the one on the receiving end of that call
How is it possible that you can still look at me with love in your eyes?
….when you love someone else
How is it you can still tell me I mean something to you?
…..when I’m not the only one who does
Maybe I missed something?
A big sign that was suppose to warn me about this
I felt something was wrong
Like something was going on behind my back
But I believed your words
You told me you would be honest and open
We’ve progressed like we were actually trying to build something
But I see that I was just “filling someone else’s space”
This isn’t my spot
It never felt like it was
Above all else, I’m disappointed in you
You turned out to be “just like the others”
 I trusted you
And you hurt me…
I can’t be her
And I’m not about to try
If you can’t just love me
And love me for me
….then watch me as I walk away….
-Nique

Content

Pinks
I released the breath of relief that has been lying dormant in my lungs my entire life
I am content
Finally….
There are spare moments throughout my day where I don’t think about anything
Don’t worry about anything
And I don’t stress about anything
I can close my eyes and just exist
This is my happiness..
It’s taken long enough…
I’m not as naïve, however, to discount the fact that this came to be the moment you entered my life
It’s not easy….
We’re not easy….
But loving you is as easy as breathing
And everything else will take care of itself
I put a lot of stock in intuition
But I am also careful to back up my instincts with realities gathered from direct experiences
We are soul mates
Through and through
My proof lies in our conversations
In our quiet moments
In the moments where we can completely be ourselves
And in the moments where we understand each other
Because we know that there is no one else who understands us better
And If I never need to know anything else in this life
I need to know this:
That I’m your girl
That I’m your friend
And that we’re together..
As long as these things remain true
And God continues to bless me with you
I will live and die with complete certainty
That my purpose on this earth was to love you
And that my place in life
Is and always will be by your side…
-Nique
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